Forever Living. Laughing. Loving.

4 weeks old

2012-01-13T07:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Sugar Plum,

Oh Em Gee, you are 4 weeks old today. What an incredible 4 weeks these have been. Time is going by so quickly, and you are growing right before my eyes. You weigh 9lb3.5oz. You've gained over 2 lbs this past month. You are wearing size 1 diapers and have outgrown most of your newborn clothes.

I look at you baby girl, and my heart swells with so much pride and love. You are so beautiful and you amaze me everyday. I can't wait to see the person you become as you grow, but at the same time, I wish you'd slow down the growing. I try hard everyday to live in the moment, and not wish these days away. I savor every second with you, even the ones we have in the middle of the night. I try and remember that one day you won't want me to rock you to sleep, and I'll long for the days you did.

You are getting stronger everyday. You can control your neck so much better, and hold your head up for longer periods of time. You've been so much more awake and alert these past couple of weeks too. We sat in the kitchen and watched daddy make dinner last night. You thought that was the most fascinating thing ever. When you are awake, you stare wide eyed at everything around you. You're taking it all in, and we love to watch you memorizing the world. You enjoy your baths, and you love to sleep on your tummy on your daddy's chest when he comes home from work. We snuggle like that too, from about 7am to 9am everyday. You love it when mommy sings to you, and you don't seem to mind my horrible voice. You stare up at me when I feed you, and I stroke your cheek and whisper in your ear how much I love you. You have the most beautiful blue eyes, and I hope that they stay that color. You are still perfection baby girl, and you always will be. I love you to the sky and back. I always will.

Love, Mommy

Here's how you looked this month.

A new year and a year in review!

2011-12-31T10:02:00.001-08:00

2011 has ended on a phenomenal note. It didn't start out great since I was dealing with my miscarriage and infertility issues, but we were proactive and in January sought out the help of a fantastic Fertility clinic that helped us conceive our miracle girl.
In April, Chris and I celebrated his birthday in Newport. It was a great weekend of relaxation and reconnection. Good Friday that month brought us our long awaited positive pregnancy test.
In May I traveled to Las Vegas for my dad's wedding! That was an adventure as I was only 8weeks pregnant and very tired. It was a great weekend though and I enjoyed spending time with my family.
Summer if 2011 was quiet. I was too tired to do much of anything. June saw us into the second trimester of the pregnancy and in July we found out we were having our little girl. Both wonderful milestones and memories. August found us at 20 weeks and suddenly half way through the pregnancy. Time seemed to be flying by.
In September we celebrated three years of marriage. October brought us to 30 weeks and to a new challenge as I was put on bed rest. My husband is awesome though and stepped up to the the plate. We made it through stronger then ever.
November was Thanksgiving and this year we had lots to be thankful for.
Finally December brought us to our schefuled induction and the birth of our miracle girl on December 16, 2011. Christmas was a magical day as we celebrated with our brand new daughter.
I really don't have many complaints about 2011 and I hope that 2012 is just as good to us. I only have a couple of resolutions for 2012. In February, I'm jumping back on the Weight Watchers wagon. I'm determined to loose weight and get healthier. I'm waiting until February because with a newborn in the house I have enough on my plate for now. My next resolution is to just enjoy life. I want to be present in my life and I want to enjoy every second with my daughter. My third resolution is to blog more.
So that's it. I hope you all have a fun and safe New Years! See you in 2012!

2 weeks old

2011-12-30T10:50:00.001-08:00

Dear Sugar Plum,
Mommy cannot believe that you are two weeks old already! You are such a joy and have filled our lives with such happiness. You are the most beautiful little girl, absolute perfection in a teeny body. I love holding you and watching you sleep. You make the cutest faces and most adorable noises. You always make me laugh. My favorites are the little smiles you give us in your sleep and the barracuda you do when your hungry. You open your mouth wide, squish your eyes closed, and shake your head while searching for your food. From the beginning I nicknamed it the barracuda. It suits you, and daddy teases you with the bottle to make you do it on command.
Speaking of your daddy, he's so in love with you. I love watching him holding you. He's such a good daddy. You're a very lucky little girl. He'd do anything for you and you already have him wrapped around your little finger.
You celebrated your first Christmas this month. What a happy day that was for us. We dressed you up in your cute Christmas dress and celebrated with your grandma Terry, grandpa Wayne, Aunt Jamie, Uncle Greg, cousin Kristina and your great grandpa. You slept the whole time, but we had fun celebrating for you. Every body was saying how fun next Christmas will be, but I don't want to think about you being a year old. Mommy wants to keep you small for a long time.
You haven't really reached any milestones these past two weeks. I mean aside from being a whole 14 days old. You still have a wobbly head as your Auntie Sarah likes to say. You can lift your head and you are getting better at controlling your neck, but it's not perfect yet. You eat like a champ and get about 75% breast milk. We supplement with formula at night and it works for us. You are definitely growing. You are still in newborn clothes and diapers and some of your newborn outfits are still a little big. Mommy has so much fun dressing you up in your cute little clothes!
Your favorite trick though, is peeing and pooping as soon as we take your diaper off to change you. You just amile at us the whole time like its so funny. I have to wash your changing table pads almost daily.
You got your first bath tonight. You loved it! We got it on film and took pictures. Mommy has to document everything!
These past two weeks have been the best weeks of my life. I love being your mommy sugar plum and I love you all the way to the sky and back.
Love, mommy

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T23:43:00.001-08:00

My miracle girl arrived on 12/16 at 5:07 am. She weighed 7lb2oz and was 19 inches long. She's absolute perfection and I'm so in love. I'll be enjoying her first Christmas with family this year. I'll post her birth story soon. Until then, enjoy these pictures and Merry Christmas!

Baby Day

2011-12-14T09:36:00.000-08:00

So here we are. It's baby day. I didn't know that a person could have so many emotions running through their body as I do this morning. I'm excited, but on top of all that is so much more. There is anxiety because I know I still have a long way to go before she's actually safe in my arms. There's fear. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown. Fear that something will go wrong. There's sadness because the pregnancy will be over and I really enjoyed being pregnant. There's love, because I love this little girl so very much, and I love my husband and I can't wait to see him with his baby girl. I'm also feeling so much love from friends and family too. I can feel the love and support pouring out of my computer screen from all the facebook posts. This little girl and I are so blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives. We are so incredibly loved. There are just so many feelings and thoughts running through my head. How is this going to change our lives? Is my pup going to be okay with a baby and our attention being divided now? This might be silly to you, but my pup is a major part of our family and our first baby. I don't want him to feel unloved. I'm worried that my relationship with my husband will change. I know it will, but will it still be good and right and will we still have time for us? It's been just him and I for 13 years. We have such a good relationship and enjoy spending time together. I'm worried that that will change. I'm worried about bringing this tiny helpless newborn home from the hospital and knowing what to do with her. She'll cry and will I be able to comfort her? I'm worried about raising her to be a strong, independent woman in today's crazy messed up world. I'm worried about being a good mom. I'm worried about loving her enough. I'm just plain worried. I'm sure this is all normal mom stuff to worry about, and the fact that I'm worried means I love her enough already. I just needed to get all of these emotions off my chest and down on paper, or blog in this case. I'll never again be anticipating the induction and birth of my first baby after all. After getting all these emotions and feelings out in the open, I realize that most of all, the biggest emotions I'm feeling is excitement!! I've been planning this and anticipating this for years! It's finally coming true. I get to meet my baby and hold her in my arms, and kiss her cheeks and tiny baby toes. I get to hold my baby!! That makes all these other crazy emotions so worth it!!

Dear Baby Girl,

Today is the day. You're officially being evicted and must come out and meet your mommy and daddy! I know its a little early, but you're a big strong girl, and mommy needs to stay healthy so its time to come. I hope you know how much I love you already. How much your daddy loves you. We've been waiting for you for so long, and we are so excited that this day is finally here. I want you to stay strong for me while all this happening. It's gonna be scary, but you won't be alone. Mommy will be here every step of the way doing what I need to so to stay calm and healthy for you! You have so much waiting for you out here. Family, and friends who can't wait to spoil you. A pup who is just waiting to shower you with kisses. A beautiful nursery, and so much love you won't know what to do with it all.

I look forward to seeing you baby girl.

Love you always.

Mama

Announcement!

2011-12-11T21:42:00.000-08:00

It's only 2 weeks until Christmas! Can you believe it?! Where oh where has time gone. There are only 3 weeks left in 2011! Oh, and I'm having a baby this week!! My induction has been scheduled for Wednesday the 14 of December. That's only 2 days away. After all those wishes to Santa for a baby for Christmas, I finally get my Christmas wish. This is going to be the best Christmas ever. I'm so blessed and thankful for my Christmas miracle girl. I can't wait to see her sweet face.

Wow, Where has the last 33 weeks gone?

2011-11-16T08:00:00.000-08:00

So 33 weeks today. Amazing. Its been quite a journey. One that I have loved so so much. I really have enjoyed being pregnant. All the pain and heartache it took to get here has been totally worth every second. I hit a bump in the road 3 weeks ago though, and it's been a bit rough. At my 30 week OB appointment, my blood pressure was a bit high. Not off the charts high, but high enough to warrant some more tests. So off to the ~~vampires,~~ um, the lab I went. I had blood drawn and I also had to do a 24 hour urine collection. Now this isn't as much fun as it sounds. Believe me, peeing in a jug and then keeping it in the refrigerator for 24 hours is kind of gross. I did all that on Friday October 28th. Over the weekend I was having a lot of persistent dizziness. No matter what position I was in, I felt like I was spinning. No fun at all. So on Halloween, I made an appointment with my OB and went it. I ended up at the hospital for 3 hours hooked up to monitors to watch the baby, (She's perfect), and I ended up on bed rest for 48 hours until I could get in to see my doctor on Wednesday the 2nd. Long story short, I ended up diagnosed with pre-eclampsia at 30 weeks, and put on strict bed rest. The pre-e is mild, and being controlled very well with bed rest. I monitor my blood pressure at home, and its been excellent! The protein in my urine has also decreased. I'm having twice a week BPP's, and weekly NST's and OB appointments. The best part about being high risk is the sneak peeks I get every Tuesday and Friday at my baby girl. So far she is very healthy. I was given the steroid shots while I was in the hospital just in case she had to come out then. Last week at 32 weeks she weighed about 4lb12oz. She's doing her practice breathing exercises like a champ and is super active. So for now, we are both healthy. The plan is to keep her baking for as long as possible up until 37 weeks. If I haven't had to deliver her by then, the plan is to be induced. According to my doctors my chances of my pre-e getting severe and causing major problems rise after 37 weeks. So as of now, it looks like I have a maximum of 4 weeks left!

So now for an update and pictures!!

How far along? 33 weeks

Total Weight Gain/Loss? I've still only gained 4lbs.

Maternity Clothes? Most definitely. And starting to grow out of them!

Gender? Feisty baby girl!

Movement? A ton. Some days I think she's trying to escape.

Labor Signs? Nope. Not even any braxton hicks contractions.

Sleep? Really good actually. Some nights I sleep through without having to get up and pee.

Symptoms? Heartburn.

Cravings? Everything I see on t.v. since I can't go out and get anything.

Best Moment? Her daddy finally felt her move a few weeks ago!

Letter to my baby girl-25 weeks

2011-09-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hey there baby girl,

We've made it to 25 weeks. I can hardly believe it some days. Its amazing to realize that you are growing bigger and stronger inside of me. You are so active and you are getting so strong. I was sitting reading today and you kicked me so hard you made my kindle jump. I was really not expecting that. I keep telling people you are going to be a soccer player.

This week you weigh about two pounds and are 14 inches tall. You are the size of an eggplant. I am in shock that you started out the size of a poppy seed and are now as big as you are. Its a miracle, and an amazing thing. You can respond to noises now too. I'll have to try that out and maybe get you started listening to some music or poetry!

You are so active, but you calm down when your daddy is nearby. I always feel the strongest kicks when I'm alone. He'd really like to feel you baby girl, so maybe its about time you let him?! He loves you so much, and as much as I love having you all to myself, I'd like to share you with him at times. So please, for me, will you let your daddy feel you move?

I hope you know how much you are loved. We have so many hopes and dreams for you. We want you to grow up happy and knowing that you are loved by many. We want you to be strong and fight for what you believe in.We want to teach you to be kind and compassionate and gentle with others. Your daddy and I want to be good role models for you, and we know that we will make mistakes with you, but we want you to always know, and never doubt how much we love you.

Keep growing my love. Keep getting stronger, and in about 15 weeks I'll be holding you in my arms.

Love always,
Mama

Letter to my love

2011-09-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

Babe,

Happy three year Anniversary! I cannot believe its been 3 years since we said I do, and I became your wife. My life changed forever on that day, and so far, nothing has topped it. We've had a pretty incredible three years. So many changes have come our way. Our fertility struggles, and losing our baby last year was one of the hardest things we've ever gone through. I'm proud of us though. I'm proud of how we handled it, and know without a shadow of a doubt that we are stronger together because of it. You are my rock, my shelter from pain. I can be myself with you, and I thank you for that. I wouldn't have been able to get through this year without you.

Many good things have happened too. More good then bad actually. The biggest, well conceiving our daughter! Its strange to think that this will be the last year of us being a family of two on our anniversary. Next year our miracle will be here to celebrate with us. I look forward to that.

I look forward to watching you with her. You are such an amazing husband, and I know that you will be an amazing dad. Whatever doubts you have about your ability to be a good father, remember that I believe in you. We won't be perfect parents, and I know we will make mistakes, but we have each other to lean on, and we are the perfect team. We will be able to give her love, and understanding and she will know that she is forever loved. Just like you show me every day. I am proud and so very happy to be entering parenthood with you by my side. There is nobody else on earth that I would want to do this with. Just like there is nobody else on earth I would want to have the honor of calling my husband. I love you more than you know. Thank you for being perfect for me!!

Love always,
Your wife.

A vacation recap and distance does in fact make the heart grow fonder!

2011-09-19T21:12:00.000-07:00

I spent last week in southern Cali visiting family. My mom, godmom and I drove the 14 hours down south for the week all in one day. Let me tell you, I was so done with the car after the first 6 hours. It was a very long day. The next day totally made up for it though. We stayed at the Marriott Resort on Coronado Island. It was gorgeous. Totally and completely gorgeous. We spent two heavenly days lounging by the pool, enjoying the water, drinks (totally of the virgin variety for me), and the sea breeze. It was exactly what this 6 month pregnant lady needed. The rest of the week was spent in Oceanside with family. Girl talks, shopping, gossip and reminiscing was was on the agenda. It was a long week and I really missed my husband, but overall it was wonderful!

Because of my job, Chris and I are used to being apart a few days a week. So me leaving for the week seemed like no big deal. I'd miss him and I assumed he would miss me, but I really had no idea how much. He called me on Tuesday sounding so sad. He portrays a lot of emotion through his voice, and even if he denies anything being wrong, I can pick up on it pretty quickly. Three years of marriage and a total of 12 years together, and I can read his body language and voice instantly. I knew something was wrong that day when I picked up the phone. What he said, melted my heart and made me fall in love with him all over again. For a man that keeps his emotions in check most of the time, hearing him say how much he missed me, and wished I was coming home the next day like normal was a wonderful sound. It really made me know, that without a doubt that he loved me and needed me. The look on his face when I saw him on Saturday after being gone was priceless too. It was a look of utter joy. I'll never forget the way his eyes lit up when he saw me, and the grin on his face. It was a look of true love. One that couldn't be faked, or imitated. I have always known that he loved me, never doubted it, but seeing it on his face after being apart, well, it was magical. Maybe the week apart was something we needed to stop taking each other for granted and to remind us how important it is to show each other on a daily basis what we mean to one another. We spent a wonderful night at home. He cooked me dinner, and held me as I fell asleep that night. The next day was one of the best days I've had in a long time. I felt connected to him. We were affectionate, and laughed and joked together. We had fun just doing nothing around the house. He sat next to me on the couch. That might not sound like much, but I usually sit on the sofa, and he usually sits on the love seat. I never realized how much I missed resting my head on his shoulder while watching TV, or how how much I missed his arms around me while I napped on the couch. It was a heavenly day.

Its funny how a little time apart can bring you back together again when you never realized you needed it.

Hellllooooo............

2011-09-08T17:07:00.000-07:00

Is anybody home? Yes, you. I'm talking to you!! Its been brought to my attention recently that my blog offends some people. By checking out my stats though, I see that people do visit, and if thats the case, it must not offend everybody! Can you please do me a huge favor though?! Pretty please? Will you leave a comment. I'd like to get to know you if you take the time out of your day to read my little blog. Oooh, and and how about we do a simple little Q&A?! That sounds like fun!! You can ask anything, and I'll answer it!! Well, within reason of course. So, I'll be waiting. Please introduce yourself, and ask away!! Can't wait to get to know you!!!

Baby Sneak Peek

2011-09-01T10:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my 22 week anatomy scan! I LOVE having ultrasounds, and I seem to float on air for days after being able to see my baby. This is my 6th scan this pregnancy. I have been very, very, lucky to get frequent peeks!! There is nothing more reassuring then seeing your baby move around. Hearing the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler is a close second, but nothing compares!! The technician took a ton of pics and measurements. She is perfectly perfect!! Everything is developing as it should be, and she's healthy! She weighs 1 pound and her little feet are about an inch and a half long. I can't wait to smooch those teeny toes!!

Doesn't she have the cutest nose?

So amazing!!

Only 18 weeks left!!

1 year ago

2011-08-26T10:23:00.000-07:00

Let me start off by saying that I am very thankful and blessed that I am 21 weeks pregnant with a healthy, happy, baby girl. I wouldn't give her up or change things in any way.

But a year ago tomorrow, my life changed drastically. Today I need to remember what I lost.

Facebook shows you what your status updates were on a specific date a year ago. These were mine a year ago today:

My baby is the size of a blueberry this week!!! Love it!!! :)

Oh my......Just found my new fav food. Banana Walnut muffins. Best thing I've eaten in weeks. Yum.

This date, last year, was the last happy, worry free day of my first pregnancy. I was so happy and carefree and just knew that I'd be bringing a baby home at the end. I was making plans, and picking furniture and dreaming about the future. I didn't ever realize that the next day the nightmare of losing a baby would begin.

So, today I am going to rub my belly, and tell my daughter all about the dreams we have for her. I'm going to be thankful that she's healthy and here, but at the same time, I am going to remember my first baby and what might have been. They both deserve that.

20 week Update and half Baked!!!

2011-08-17T22:36:00.000-07:00

I'm officially 20 weeks and halfway through this pregnancy!!! I am in awe of how quickly these last 20 weeks have gone by!!

How far along? 20 weeks

Total Weight Gain/Loss? Down 1lb from pre-pregnancy weight. Probably due to a severe case of gastro last week and a liquid diet for 48 hours. Not fun, but thankfully feeling much better!

Maternity Clothes? Oh yes, since about 16 weeks. I'm finding them so much more comfortable!!

Gender? Sweet baby girl.

Movement? Oh yes. I've been feeling flutters since 12 weeks, but only yesterday did I start feeling actually kicks. They aren't real strong and you can't feel them from the outside, but I feel them and they are there!

Labor Signs? Nope, and they better not start for another 20 weeks. :)

Sleep? I wake up about twice a night to pee. Usually about 3ish and then again about 6ish. There are the occasional nights where I get insomnia though and can't get or stay asleep. Its rare though.

Symptoms? Heartburn!! It comes on with no warning, and it lasts all day. Oh, I can't forget the migrains that I've been blessed with getting on a regular basis!

Cravings? Mexican food, fruit and fresh veggies!

Best Moment? Feeling actual kicks instead of butterfly flutters!!

Ramblings while I wait

2011-07-22T17:20:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here sipping orange juice waiting for the time to crawl by before my gender scan in an hour. I have so much emotion running through me right now, and I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm so thankful that we've made it to this point in the pregnancy. I feel blessed and very overwhelmed. Everybody says that I should be excited to find out if baby is a boy or girl. I am excited, but I'm also very nervous. I'm worried that I'm going to be disappointed if its one over the other. I'm nervous, because now its going to be real in a way it wasn't before. I'm going to have a son or a daughter when all I had this morning was a baby. It seems different some how to have this little person with a name inside of you. I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy or its the hormones. Yeah, I'll blame the hormones.

16 weeks jellybean!

2011-07-22T12:13:00.001-07:00

**This letter was written on 7/22/11

My oh my jellybean. We are 16 weeks already. Can you believe how far we've come. Its been an incredible journey, and we still have 24 weeks left. I feel you moving around almost everyday now. You're such an active little thing, and I love knowing your happy and healthy inside of me. I have so many emotions going through me jellybean. Daddy and I will be finding out if you are a boy or a girl today. We are so anxious to know. Please be good and cooperate today. You have so many people all around the world waiting to find out! You are so loved, and so anticipated. We need to find out whether to buy pink or blue, cause if we don't your grandma is going to keep buying you yellow and green and you'll have enough to wear till your first birthday. Mama doesn't even like yellow and green that much!!

Besides the anticipation of finding out your gender and feeling you move. Mama bought maternity clothes yesterday. You've finally gotten big enough so that I actually look pregnant! Its so fun. Daddy caught me rubbing on you yesterday, and got a big laugh out of me standing in the living room looking at my baby bump and rubbing you! I love it! Daddy is so funny and can always make me laugh. I can't wait till he gets to feel you for the first time. You're gonna love him so much jellybean. And he'll do anything for you! Remember that.

This week you are as big as an avocado! You're moving and wiggling constantly. You can perceive light and are starting to hear sounds. I'll remember to talk to you jellybean so you know my voice when you're born!

I love you so much already jellybean. I didn't know, until you were conceived, that it was possible to love someone you didn't know as much as I love you. I love you all the way up to the sky and back. Keep growing and getting strong.

Love always.
Mama

9weeks

2011-07-22T12:13:00.000-07:00

**This letter was written on 6/1/11

Happy 9 weeks Jellybean!!! You've come so very very far in the past few weeks. Now your the size of a green olive, and you have arms and legs and are beginning to look like a real little bitty baby. We saw you for the second time today and both Daddy and I were so amazed at how much you've changed since our first ultrasound at 6w5d. My favorite moment of the day was seeing your daddy's face when he heard your heart beating. He loves you already, and never doubt that his love for you is strong. He'd do anything for you. So would I jellybean. You are the light of our lives already and we've only known about you for 6 weeks.

You're making mama very very tired everyday, and just about the time I start wondering if your doing okay in there, I get a wave of nausea. Its like your telling me to chill out. I look forward to those times. Keep growing and getting strong jellybean.We can't wait to meet you in 31 weeks or so!!!

Love always,

Mama
xoxo

6weeks

2011-07-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

** This letter was written on 5/13/11.

Happy 6weeks Jellybean.

Oh my. You've grown so much in 2 weeks. Now your the size of a sweet pea. Your arms and legs are starting to grow this week, and your eyes and nose are starting to form. I hope you have a cute button nose that mama can smooch in 34weeks.

You've also decided it was time for Mama to have morning sickness. It just happens to last all day. Every time I think about complaining or feeling sorry for myself, I stop and think about you and how that means your growing like you should. The urge to throw up gets a bit old though. Keep it coming jellybean, your mama needs to know your healthy.

Daddy and I get to take our first sneak peek at you on Monday. I cannot wait to see you and your little bitty heart beating away. I know its going to be the best day of my life so far. Only topped by the day you come into the world and make me a mama!

Love you always jellybean. Keep growing.

xoxo
Mama

4weeks.

2011-07-22T12:11:00.000-07:00

**This letter was written on April 29, 2011. Its a letter to my unborn baby.

Dear Jellybean.

You are 4weeks gestation this week, and we've overcome a couple of big hurdles already. My hcg levels are rising right on track, and that means you're growing just like you're supposed to, and you are right on track to make your debut on January 5, 2012. What a wonderful New Year gift after all we've been through. This week you're the size of a poppy seed and all of your organs are beginning to develop.

You've made me a bit queasy off and on already jellybean. I hope in the next couple of weeks you'll give me full blown, hug the toilet morning sickness so that I know your doing okay. Just make sure to ease off once I can feel you move. You've also made mama so sleepy this week, and I'm ready for a nap every afternoon. I just wish I could sleep in instead of being up at the crack of dawn.

Overall we are both doing just fine. I look forward to the next 36 weeks, so make sure you stick around and keep growing.

Mama

I've been keeping a secret!

2011-06-30T12:44:00.000-07:00

I know its been forever since I posted. Well, at least it seems like it to me, but I've been keeping a secret. A very large, very exciting secret. You see, yesterday marked my 13th week of pregnancy! Thats right! The IUI in April was a sucess!!! Do you all forgive me for not posting it till now?! We kept the pregnancy very, very quiet until a few weeks ago, and all the family wasn't told until 10 weeks. I didn't want to announce it to the world and then have to take it back.

So, let me introduce you to Baby Bucher!

Profile shot taken at 12w.

The pregnancy is progressing very well. I've had 4 ultrasounds and at each one baby is measuring perfectly with a perfect little strong heartbeat. Its been really neat to see the how much the baby has grown with each ultrasound!

This is a dream come true for Chris and I,and we really couldn't be happier. Thank you all for your support and love over the past year. I couldn't have made it through without all of you!

xoxo,

Steph

Happy Mama's Day

2011-05-08T10:17:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to wish a Happy Mothers Day to all the Mama's that get to hold their babies today, and of course a Happy Mother Day to all the Mama's with empty arms that lost their babies before the world considered us mothers.

Its a tough day for those dealing with infertiltity and for those that have lost babies too soon. We feel like mothers, but so much of the world doesn't consider us to be. Know that you're all being thought about today.

IUI is DONE!!

2011-04-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

The iui is done!!! It went well. The total motility count was 19 million. The RE likes it to be above 10 million, so its awesome!!! It was so easy and actually very quick. I ovulated yesterday and thats always very painful while I'm taking clomid, so I was in major pain last night. I came home and just relaxed and watched some dvr'd shows!! I've been taking it easy today and am being careful to not overdo it. I'm still sore, but its managable!! I'm officially in my 1st IUI tww. I'll be testing in 4/28 and not a day sooner. There's no way I want to re-live a chemical pregnancy again if I don't have too. Hopefully by not testing early I won't pick one up again.

In other news. I bought a pair of jeans today that are 2 sizes SMALLER than when I started WW. I'm so flippin' proud of myself!!!

Sunday is Chris's 30th birthday! We are heading to the beach for the weekend to celebrate and get away!! I'm going to relax and enjoy my husband!!

Happy weekend friends!!! xoxo

IUI is tomorrow

2011-04-12T21:04:00.000-07:00

The iui is scheduled for tomorrow!! I got a positive opk this afternoon which means we are good to go! I'm nervous, and excited all at the same time. Right now I'm pretty sore. My ovaries are tender and bloated and I'm just generally not feeling well. I've had a headache like you wouldn't believe. I'm not sure if its from the clomid still, or if its allergies. Either way I'm glad that I have a full week off work to take it easy and relax and let the magic happen!!! I'll be watching comedy's and doing plenty of talking to my uterus. I'm willing the sperm to fertilize the egg and then get cozy and comfy. I'll update tomorrow after the procedure. Think good thoughts for me please!!!

xoxo

More Cheerful

2011-04-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

So after that downer of a post yesterday I thought I'd write a more cheerful one this morning. The sun is shining, and its Friday!!! I took my last clomid pill last night, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that today is the last day of headaches. I'm determined to be positive today and to have a good day!

In other news, I hopped on the scale for my weekly WW weigh in this morning and found that I'd lost another pound!!! That makes my grand total 10lbs!!! I'm so psyched and thrilled that I've stuck with it!!

So I'm gonna leave you with some cuteness today. Happy Friday friends!!

Making sense of my jumbled thoughts.

2011-04-07T21:43:00.000-07:00

Some days I feel strong enough to conquer the world, and some days I feel like crawling in a cave and hiding out. Today is one of the cave days. Actually the whole last week have been cave days. It might, no scratch that, it most likely has something to do with the Clomid I've been taking since last week. Its made me so hormonal that I can't hardly stand it. Plus the accompanying headaches are a nice added bonus this time around too. The clomid just takes all the every day stresses of life and compounds them so I feel majorly overwhelmed. Thank goodness I take my last dose tonight. Whew. Then it will be on to the iui next week and the fear of all that. This last loss that I had has made me so damn scared of getting pregnant. The fear of not staying pregnant totally trumps the fear of never getting pregnant. I'm not sure I could handle another loss. I'm going through the treatments though because I have a feeling if I ever get to hold my baby that that makes it all worth it.

My due date is next week. Right now I'm wondering if the reminders will always hurt this much. So ummm, yeah. What a downer of a post. Sorry.

My heart hurts

2011-04-01T16:43:00.000-07:00

This latest loss has made my heart hurt, but I'm moving on. I mean what else can I do really. Sit and wallow in my grief and anger maybe? Sure, I want to do that at times, but how far is it really going to get me. I want a baby. So I have to move forward on this AC path and try and make it happen. I'll be starting clomid tomorrow and will take it for 5 days. We are looking at the week of April 11th for the insemination. Thats so soon!!! I'm excited, but scared too. I think the only thing worse then never seeing a positive pregnancy test, is seeing them, but hearing that its over. I'm afraid that this will keep happening over and over again, but I have to keep trying if I want my miracle.

I'm being procative and I started acupuncture today too. I LOVED it!! There have been so many people that have had success treating infertility with acupuncture, and I've heard great things. It was realxing, and I felt great afterward. I'll be going weekly, and hopefully by using acupuncture with the iui will give me the success I'm looking for and I'll get and STAY pregnant.

An update and a setback.

2011-03-31T15:27:00.000-07:00

Its been awhile since I posted, but things have been busy. I had to sit this last cycle out because of cysts from the clomid. It was discouraging as I wanted to get the ball rolling and possibly have a bfp before my April due date. I was very relaxed last cycle, and didn't use ovulation predictor kits or monitor my cycle. We just went with the flow and enjoyed our month. I started having some different symptoms last week and got excited that this could maybe possibly be our cycle. I was so excited and hopeful when I tested yesterday and got a faint positive on the pregnancy test. It was very very faint, but I chalked it up to still being early. I scheduled a beta hcg draw for this morning. About 7pm last night I took another hpt. It was clearly positive and for the first time all day, got truly excited. I woke up this morning and tested again before my labs. The test was negative. I went to get my blood drawn, and it to, came back negative. It was confirmed that I had a chemical pregnancy. A chemical pregnancy is a pregnancy that ends before 5w gestastion. Seeing as I was 3w2d, I fit into that category. I've now been pregnant and miscarried twice. Ugh. Not really how I saw my life turning out.

I didn't realize I could be heartbroken over something I only knew about for 24 hrs, but let me assure you, its possible. Pregnant one day and not the next. But the second that the 2nd pink line appears, plans are made, and dreams are dreamt. Its a vision lost.

So all in all I realized that every 6-10 months it is possible for me to concieve naturally. The problem now is making sure I stay pregnant. I'm set to move on with the IUI this month. Today is cd1 and I'll start the clomid on Saturday. The IUI will be about 10 days later. I'm excited and hopeful. Its proven that we can get pregnant. Now I'm hoping that the IUI will prove I can stay that way.

March already, and another update

2011-03-06T18:03:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how quickly the time is flying. Spring is right around the corner and I couldn't be happier about it!! I'm getting over being sick. I saw the doctor on Friday and assumed it was a viral thing going on. My throat culture proved otherwise though and I have strep. I can't remember when the last time I had strep throat was. I started penicillin today and have to take it 4 times a day for 7 days. Today is the first day I'm actually feeling like myself. Its been hell the last 4 days.

I'm also dealing with Aunt Flo's appearance today. I expected her and had taken a hpt on Thursday and gotten a negative. I called my RE and reported CD1 and scheduled my baseline ultrasound for Tuesday. I'm excited. In about 14 days we'll be doing the IUI!!!

In other news, I finished my first week on Weight Watchers. I had my first weight check on Friday and lost 6lbs!!! That was a huge shock!

Everything else is going great. Chris is on antibiotics for a sinus infection, but he's feeling better now. We have a beach house reserved for April 15th, 16th, and 17th in Newport. We are both looking forward to getting away for a few nights. That's all that's really happening in our life now. Nothing all that grand. Just lots of waiting and living in two week increments, but such is the life of an AC couple!!

Quick Update

2011-03-02T13:17:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to pop on with a quick update. I'm battling the beginnings of a nasty cold and feel awful. I'm more than halfway through the first week on weight watchers. Its going great. I need to come up with more snacks though, as I've been really hungry during the day. I'm finding it very easy to stick to the plan. So far so good.

I had my progesterone checked last Saturday and got the results yesterday!! My levels were 17.7!! That's a great number and means that I'm responding great to Clomid!! Next step is to wait for my period to start and when she shows, it's ultrasound time!!! Hopefully I'll be cyst free, and we can move on to the IUI this month!!

Anyway, that's it for me. The couch is calling my name. Lets hope I get over this fast.

The Now.

2011-02-25T17:14:00.000-08:00

Ever since I started trying to get pregnant I've stopped living in the now. I stopped planning vacations, stopped buying clothes, and never really made much of an effort to loose weight. It was always "what if." What if I plan a vacation and then get pregnant and can't travel. What if I buy new clothes, but then need maternity clothes. What if I invest in the money to join a gym or fitness program and then can't use it? I decided today that I have to live in the now, because like a friend just told me "you gotta live today, because tomorrow is not here yet!"

The first step was joining Weight Watchers Online!! I took the first step, and did it. It felt so good. I love the concept on Weight Watchers PointsPlus Program. I get a certain amount of points each day to spend on any food I choose. I also get a weekly points allowance to spend on extra treats, or if I want to eat out. I can also earn activity points with exercise that can be swapped for extra food points. All this means that I can eat. There's no starving yourself. Its fabulous. Today has been great. I've eaten when I've gotten hungry, and I'm not depriving myself. Its all about making better food choices and learning portion control.

I'm excited do this and become a healthier me. If I get pregnant, well, I've learned some great tools to eat better. I can do this, and I'm happy.

A Plan.

2011-02-23T10:09:00.000-08:00

We had our consultation with the reproductive endocrinologist (RE) yesterday. We trekked the 2 hours north to the only fertility center in all of southern Oregon/northern California. Yes, it was a very long drive over the mountains, but it was so very, very worth it. Dr Austin and his staff were AMAZING!! We sat and talked for hours. Literally, hours. He answered all of our questions, went over our history, and we talked about the next plan.

We have unexplained infertility. That means all the tests, labs, and doctor visits are normal. But we haven't been able to conceive OR carry a pregnancy to term with a healthy baby, in a year. 10% of all couples who have difficulty, have unexplained infertility. Our odds of conceiving on our own are about 1% each month. Our odds of conceiving with Clomid alone, are 3% each month. The odds of conceiving with the next step, a whopping 8%. That seems HUGE to me, after hearing the 1% comparison.

Our next step is Intrauterine insemination or IUI for short, with Clomid. Basically the IUI is a pretty simple procedure. Sperm are collected, washed, sorted and concentrated. The healthiest, strongest, best sperm are then inserted up into my uterus. By doing this, your basically guaranteeing that the sperm make it to where they are supposed to be, and that they are healthy enough to do the job. There are still a lot of factors that could cause the process to fail, but its a 7% increase. I'll take it.

Before we move on to this process. I have to have a cycle day (CD) 21 blood test to check my progesterone levels . This will tell my Doctors how well I'm responding to Clomid. If that number looks good, then I do a ultrasound on CD2 or 3 to check for cysts. If I'm cyst free, I move on to clomid. I'll take that from cd3-7 and use an LH kit to monitor my ovulation. Once I get my surge, we'll go up the next day for the IUI! Two weeks later, hopefully, I'll get a positive pregnancy test. If I don't get pregnant, than we'll have 5 more tries before moving on. My doctor is pretty confident that if its going to work, it'll happen within 6 months. I'm not going to think about the what ifs right now. There are other treatments in case it doesn't work. Its not the end of the road, But right now, I'm feeling positive, and confident. Its been awhile since I've felt that way. I'm excited for the future, and looking forward to holding my baby at the end of all this madness that is AC.

Jealousy and anger

2011-02-14T08:49:00.000-08:00

I've never been a jealous person. I've never been an angry person either. Lately I find myself being both more often then not. It hit me as my husband was talking about his dinner with his parents and sister yesterday. Apparently his sister was talking about our niece's first birthday. Its in August. I got angry. Why oh why would they be wishing away the next 6 months of her life? Don't they know how blessed they are to have her and shouldn't they be cherishing every second on her life instead of looking toward the future? Of course, 20 seconds after these thoughts came rushing into my head I recognized them for what they really were. Jealousy and anger because she has something I desperately want. Of course they know how blessed they are, and of course they cherish every second. They are just excited, as any parent would be of seeing their children grow and change. Its not fair for me to be angry at them. They didn't make me infertile, or cause me to miscarry. Its not their fault I feel like I do. Just like its not the expectant mothers fault for walking down the street in front of me, or the new moms fault for shopping at the same store I do. I'm just jealous that they get this chance to be a mom. I wish I knew how to get over these feelings and let it go. I hate that I feel this way. I want to be able to be excited for a friend who's pregnant, and not feel the need to avoid her at all costs. I want to be able to hold my niece and be excited that I get to be her aunt instead of wishing that I was her mom. I want to be able to see maternity photos online and not start crying cause she has the baby bump that I should have. I want to be able to see facebook updates and ultrasounds pictures of healthy pregnancies and not feel bitter. I want to be me again, and not someone that is consumed with anger, jealousy, bitterness and sadness. I want me back, but I don't know how to find her.

Happy Valentines Day!!

2011-02-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day my friends. This is the first valentines day that I have ever spent away from my husband. Im working today and won't see him till Wednesday night. We spent last Friday night at the beach together to celebrate early, but its not the same. I miss him. I hope that you all get to spend at least part of the day with your love. I'll be thinking about mine, and looking forward to being back in his arms again.

Journal

2011-02-13T12:16:00.000-08:00

I love to write. I used to write poetry when I was in high school, but for some reason I stopped. I stopped journaling and writing poetry. I’m not sure what event in my life preceded that, but I’m sure something did. Maybe I just got too busy, or felt to old to be keeping a journal or writing silly poems. I don’t know, but I do know that I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed getting my emotions and feelings out on paper. That’s one of the main reasons I decided to start blogging. I wanted an outlet. I’ve hesitated to use my blog for journaling. I wanted it to have meaning and purpose. I decided that its silly to feel like that. If its important enough for me to write it down, it can be blogged about. The following post is a journal entry that I wrote before I decided I was going to start posting them. I wrote it without thinking about it. I just wrote. Whatever came to my head I typed. I may do this daily, or monthly, or even never again. I don’t know. When I do post them, it’ll simply be titled journal and it’ll be for no one in particular. However, you are invited to read and comment if you like.

I’m at work today. I hate the drive, and missing Sundays at home with Chris and my pup. I hate it. I hate the three day live in, and being away from home. There’s nothing that I can do about it though. I need to work, and our lives are better now that I’m working full time. Chris says we’ll have more money for fun things. I think about having more money for fertility treatments. I’m so scared that Chris is going to take one look at the price of these treatments and decide that they are too expensive. What in the world will I do then? I’m hoping that the clomid will work and improve our chances and we’ll get pregnant again. The googling I’ve been doing though says otherwise. Everything I’ve read has said that the likelihood of clomid improving the odds for someone like me who already ovulates normally is slim. I can’t stop thinking about that. I’m not sure why I’m taking it though. I guess since it’s the only thing that Dr. Cohen can do, she wanted to do it. I’m scared for my appointment with the RE in a few weeks. I’m terrified that they are going to look at my medical records and tell me that there is nothing that they can do for me. I guess I’m scared of not having options. And I’m scared that I’ll never get pregnant again, or if I do I’ll lose that baby too. I’m just one huge bundle of fear. I hate feeling like this all time. I hate being so unhappy. I hate knowing that I should be in my 31st week of pregnancy, and packing my hospital bag. I hate the milestones, I hate it all. I feel so cheated, and there is nothing I can do to bring it all back. Its gone, and I may never get it again. I keep thinking that maybe these feelings are because my would be due date is approaching. April 15th. Tax day and now the day that I was supposed to bring our baby home but won‘t. Chris’ birthday is the 17th of April, and I feel so guilty that I’m not up for a huge celebration. He’ll be 30 and it’s a big year. I just want to go away though. Someplace that’s not home to see if I can escape these feelings. There’s a house on the beach in Newport that I want to rent for the weekend. Hopefully secluded enough so that I can sit and cry without worrying that the neighbors will hear. Chris is up for going away, but he wants to do it the weekend after. I’ve told him why I need to go the weekend of his birthday. I don’t know what we’ll end up doing yet.

The "What If's... of IF"

2011-02-12T15:05:00.000-08:00

I've decided that I'm going to use my blog to spread the message about IF. Its important to make it a topic that women and men are not afraid to talk about. There are so many feelings and emotions surrounding IF and I want to share with you some of the "What ifs..." women with infertility wrestle with daily. These are not only my feelings, but the feelings of some of the infertile women in my life.

"What if......

my husband leaves me because I can't be happy with my life?"

I'm unable to truly be happy for pregnant friends again?"

my husband doesn't want to proceed with treatment because its too expensive?"

I'm longing for something that I'll never get?"

I never get to bring a baby home from the hospital?"

I DO get pregnant and its not what I thought it would be?"

I follow all the steps and do all the right things, and the treatments don't work?"

I can never make my husband a father?"

my parents never get the joy of having a grand baby?"

my marriage doesn't make it through the stress of fertility treatments?"

I can never be okay with not having kids?"

we have to learn how to live our lives baby free … with a smile?"

I never let go of the resentment and jealousy of the women who got to do this naturally?"

we lose ourselves along the way?"

we always continue to feel like God is punishing us?"

I never see 2 pink lines again?"

the reason I’m infertile is because I wasn’t meant to be a mother?"

the baby I lost at 8weeks is the only child I'm meant to have?"

this broken heart never heals?"

I am never able to get pregnant again?"

my body fails me again?"

I don't know when to stop?"

I never get my miracle baby?"

I don't know how to be happy again?"

I'm always thinking about what should have been?"

the pictures on the walls are always just of our nieces and nephews?"

I am never completely happy because I am not a mother?"

I never get to hold that child in my arms that is half me and half the man that I love?"

I just bought a "mom car" but am never a mom?"

I can never be around a pregnant woman and feel comfortable because it reminds me of what I have lost and how inadequate I now feel?"

there's no hope?"

I never see a positive pregnancy test at all?"

I never get to use the little things I bought for our little miracle-to-be?"

I run out of options?"

sex with my husband loses all of its intimacy and joy?"

it's my fault we can't have a baby?"

just doesn't matter what baby names we've picked out?"

people knew we've been trying when they bug us about not having kids?"

all the family memories I want to make, never happen?"

I can only be an aunt to a child?"

What if we spoke out about IF? What if IF wasn't a taboo subject? What if ALL states mandated that private insurance companies cover infertility treatments? What if I became an advocate for IF research and treatment? What if....we didn't need "what ifs any longer"

These what ifs were hard to write. They are hard to read, and they are real. These are what we think about EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

There is no magic wand that allows us to conceive a child. There is no easy answer. Every treatment that we go through is hard. Its hard on our mind, body, soul and our marriage. Nothing about assisted conception is glamorous, or fun, but we do it because its the only way we might get to finally get what we want more than anything in the world. To be a mother.

Damn Clomid

2011-02-11T08:00:00.000-08:00

I finished my first AC cycle of clomid. I was lucky. I didn't have a single symptom while taking it. That is, until I ovulated and felt like my ovaries were going to explode. Oh Em Gee. The Pain. Worst. Ovulation. Pain. Ever. I felt like my ovaries were going to explode. I sat on the couch and cried. It came in waves, and when it hit, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't talk. I couldn't walk. It felt like every single muscle in my abdomen, including my ovaries and uterus, was spasming. And I was right. For the next week I felt like I had done 52154792 crunches and then added another 12548 on top of the ones I had already done. Everything hurt. Literally, from the inside out, all the muscles were totally overworked. I called my doctor and she said it was normal. WHAT THE HELL?!! Why did everybody fail to mention that piece of information?

Want the good news? I get to do it all again in approximately 10 days. Yes, that was sarcasm at its finest. The damn Clomid didn't work. Oh joy.

My thoughts on spreading the message

2011-02-10T10:26:00.000-08:00

I was really affected by the article in the Huffington Post about IF yesterday, and I was saddened by some of the ignorant comments that were made by people. Those people have no idea that infertility affects 1 out of 8 couples. Those are staggering numbers. 1 out of 8. If only winning the lotto had odds like those.

You see, I never wanted to struggle with IF. It was never in my life plan. But the fact is, I didn't get to choose. For reasons unknown, I struggle with getting pregnant. My body can't seem to figure it out. I've been hesitant to talk about it. Sure, I mention IF and my journey. But I didn't want to really talk about it. I've been ashamed. My journey with IF is fairly new. I'm learning, and researching, and doing the best that I can with the knowledge. Actually, I probably wouldn't be where I am in my journey, if not for my AC Fem girls. Fem is a Internet forum that I joined a couple of years back. Its an online family of girls that are going through the same things I am. I cherish my Fem family. They've taught me so much, and honestly, I'd probably still be in the dark about my infertility if not for them. I read their stories and followed their journeys. They are so proactive when it comes to IF and their medical lives. They seek help and treatment. I've always been very shy and scared of doctors, with almost an "if I don't know what it is, its not happening" kind of attitude. I probably would never have seen my doctor about my trouble getting pregnant if not for them. They taught me what I needed to do. They may have not even realized they did it, but they did. I was educated just by reading their stories.

I have this amazing online support group, but I have friends and family that are still in the dark about my IF, and IF in general. I still hear "Relax. Take a trip, then you'll get pregnant." Or the stories of the people that it took 6 years to get pregnant. I still hear, "It must be your timing." Or, "You think too much." Or even, "It happened once, your not infertile." When I hear these things, I usually smile and mutter, "you must be right." I never try and tell my story, or replace their misconceptions with fact. Its not something I felt comfortable doing. Who was I to spread the word. To educate. I don't know anything. But reading the comments from the Huffington Post article, I realized that in order to stop the ignorance we have to speak up. If we want changes in how IF is dealt with, we need to TALK about it. We need to stop shoving our Infertility struggles under the rug, and speak up. We need to educate the world just like my Fem girls did with me. You may be thinking that the education needs to come from doctors and important people, but who better to spread the word, then from the woman and men actually affected by IF? IF we do this, if we speak up and share our struggles and make IF a part of every day life, we will see changes. We won't be ignored. We won't be made to feel insignificant. But we all need to do our part. I'm talking about my struggle. I'm sharing it, and not hiding it. I have other plans in the works, but for right now, I'm asking that you pass this message along. Blog it, Tweet it, Talk. Don't be ashamed.

Being Informed

2011-02-09T13:16:00.000-08:00

Infertility is a subject that speaks to me. It makes sense that it would because its something that is happening to me. I seek out articles, news reports, blogs, stories, everything that I can about the subject. I will discuss the topic passionately, and without reservation with less informed people.

I came upon this wonderful article on IF today. I want to share it with you. Its a great article, with some not so great comments from ignorant individuals. Maybe if we all do our part to spread the word and talk about IF we can educate the world.

Please pass the article on. Blog about it. Talk about it. Do something. Anything, to get the message that IF happens more then people realize. Its our responsibility.

Crazy Busy

2011-01-26T12:23:00.000-08:00

I know I was due for another book reveiw post today, and I haven't blogged in a few days. Things have been crazy busy in my life and its just been put on the back burner for now. I've been working alot of live in shifts an hour from home so its been a ton of driving back and forth. I've also got a much needed weekend away with a good friend this weekend in San Francisco. I need a vacation so badly! I've got a few posts in the works, but I'm taking a quick break from blogging until next week. Too many things happening and not enough hours in the day for it all!! I hope that everyone is good, and I'll see you soon!!

Book Review #2

2011-01-19T07:00:00.000-08:00

Yay!! Its time for my second book review! This time, I am going to ask that you open your minds. Its not going to sound like much, but take my word for it, its AWESOME!

Im choosing another series. I love reading series books. I tend to get way too involved in the characters while I'm reading and like to have more than one book to read about them. This weeks books are a young adult paranormal series by author Amanda Hocking. She's a young, independently published author. Her characters are fun, interesting, courageous, and genuine. The stories are are a mix of romance, action, and paranormal. The series is called the Trylle Trilogy. The first book is called Switched.

Here is the amazon kindle store synopsis.

When Wendy Everly was six years old, her mother was convinced she was a monster and tried to kill her. It isn't until eleven years later that Wendy discovers her mother might have been right.

With the help of Finn Holmes, Wendy finds herself in a world she never knew existed - a world both beautiful and frightening, and Wendy's not sure she wants to be a part of it.

I know that the synopsis doesn't reveal a whole lot, but I'm not going to give away any more. Part of the fun is discovering what exactly the book is about. If I tell you, it'll ruin the suspense. Again, this book is very young adult. Its not my typical genre. I happened upon this series by accident, and fell in love with it. But what the hell, twilight is young adult and we all love them right? Because Amanda Hocking is independently published you can only purchase her books on Amazon in hardback or paperback form, or of course on your kindle or nook. The digital books are very inexpensive. They sell for either $.99 or $2.99. This is a definite must read if you enjoy romance paranormal!! Give her a chance, you won't be disappointed!!

New Years Resolutions

2011-01-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

I don't typically make resolutions for the new year. I'm not good with them, I always fail, and then I feel guilty. This year I did make a few, but I told myself that I wouldn't tell anybody what they were until mid way through the month. That way if I gave in and gave up, nobody would be the wiser. I've been really good about keeping myself on track. It might be because of the type of resolutions that I made.

My first was to drink more water. Not to drink x amount, just more. Its working, I drink a glass of water with each glass of non water beverage I drink. I'm taking my reuseable bottle with me everywhere and I am getting more water then normal.

My second was to blog more. Again, I didn't state a set number of blogs each week, just that I wanted to blog more. After some nudging from my dear friend Belinda at tears, hope and love, I got on track and am indeed blogging more.

This third resolution is a on hold, but I'll tell you what it was anyway. It was to move more, to be healthier. Aka, excersise. I bought a new treadmill, and Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I was gung ho about succeeding on this particular resoultion. Then, on christmas eve, I slipped on some ice and pulled the tendons on the back of my left ankle. I can't flex my foot without serious pain. That means, walking on the treadmill is out. Heavy duty excerise, impossible. It was getting better, until last week when I stepped off the sidewalk onto some uneven ground and screwed it all up again. So major setback in this resoltion department. I do think about the excersise everyday, and thats a very big step forward for me. I can't risk damaging my foot even more though by rushing the healing process. I'm anxious though to get cracking.

Making these type of open ended resoultions have worked for me. I don't feel like a failure, and I'm sticking to them. So give it a try, its never too late to get started on a happier you! On that note, its noon and I haven't had any water yet today. I better go remedy that. :)

Happy Monday Everybody!!

An Update on me, and my AC plan

2011-01-16T12:02:00.000-08:00

I thought that I would give a quick update on me, and my AC plan. I'm currently on cycle day (cd) 9. This is my first clomid cycle and I have been taking the med since Wednesday the 12th. I only have one more pill to take. Basically what my doctor is hoping will happen is that clomid will make me super ovulate. Clomid is usually used for women that have anovulatory cycles. Meaning they don't ovulate naturally on their own each cycle. I ovulate on my own each month, so that's not the problem. Hopefully the clomid will help me release more than one egg and that will improve my chances of success. I have three months of clomid before I move on.

I have made an appointment with the Fertility Specialist for a consultation to discuss what the plan will be if I'm not pregnant after the three months are up. That appointment is February 22nd and I am looking forward to it. It will give us an idea of what we are looking at for the next stage of our journey if we need it!! All in all, I'm trying to stay very hopeful and positive.

I'm also looking into starting an IF support group in my area. We don't have one here, and IF is a hard road to travel by yourself. I've been lucky to have an AMAZING group of girls for support along the way. I want every woman dealing with IF to have the same support. This plan is still in the early, early, early stages, but your prayers and good thoughts are much appreciated!

Anyway, I'm off to bed. I have a book calling my name. Night friends, and happy Sunday!

A reminder....in all things baby clothes.

2011-01-15T22:08:00.000-08:00

Its crazy really, how something so seemingly insignificant to the ordinary individual, can be so heartbreaking to a woman dealing with miscarriage and infertility.

I'm talking baby clothes.

When I got pregnant I spent hours upon hours browsing the baby clothes aisle in each and every store I visited. I oohed and ahed over pink frilly sundresses, and blue overalls. Tiny little baby socks, fluffy blankets, onesies and bibs. I would take turns pretend shopping for my baby. One day it would be a boy and I would fill my cart with all things blue. The next day it would be a girl and I'd fill my cart with all things pink. I'd saunter around the store with my hand on my belly. I was glowing, the world was as it should be. I didn't have a care in the world. I was only 6 weeks pregnant, but that didn't matter. I was in my element and I was happy.

After my miscarriage, I didn't step foot in the baby department for weeks. It was heartbreaking. I no longer had my baby, and I felt that I didn't have any reason be there. It felt like cheating. Confused? Let me explain. Before I got engaged I dreamt about buying those bridal magazines, a wedding organizer, and sitting down like Monica on friends and making a huge wedding idea book. I never did though. I never bought one single magazine or book before I had a ring on my finger. I felt like those rituals, those experiences were part of being engaged. I didn't want to ruin them for me. The same goes for baby clothes. The only time I looked at baby clothes before becoming pregnant was when I was shopping for someone else. I was careful to never fantasize buying them for me. I didn't want to ruin the experience. So once I was pregnant, I went nuts.

You would think that after I lost my baby, I would instinctively stay away for that department. Sometimes though, I walk past and I can't help but admire some adorable pink dress, or blue sleeper. Sometimes I pick it up and almost put it in my cart. Then I have to remind myself that I'm not allowed to do that. I don't have a baby to shop for anymore. My heart breaks, I feel like crying. I have to slip out of the store before I break down. You would think that by now I would never have to remind myself that I'm not pregnant. But I guess sometimes my heart goes back in time to a moment in life where I was truly happy, and I do have to remind myself of that.

Happy Friday!!!

2011-01-14T07:26:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday my friends!! My you all have a wonderful weekend with the people that you love the most!!!

Books

2011-01-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

I love to read. If you know me, you know that's no surprise. I have a feeling that some of you like to read as well, so I'm going to, each week or so, do a review on the current book I'm reading. I'm not being paid by authors or publishers to review these books. Its sole purpose is to pass along some of my fave reads to you.

So up first this week is a trilogy that I am LOVING. I read the first book Monday, the second book yesterday and am halfway through the third and final book today. Its an amazing story with enough action, romance, intrigue, and science fiction to keep you reading for hours. Its called the Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins

Here's the synopsis for the first book!!

In a not-too-distant future, the United States of America has collapsed, weakened by drought, fire, famine, and war, to be replaced by Panem, a country divided into the Capitol and 12 districts. Each year, two young representatives from each district are selected by lottery to participate in The Hunger Games. Part entertainment, part brutal intimidation of the subjugated districts, the televised games are broadcasted throughout Panem as the 24 participants are forced to eliminate their competitors, literally, with all citizens required to watch. When 16-year-old Katniss's young sister, Prim, is selected as the mining district's female representative, Katniss volunteers to take her place. She and her male counterpart, Peeta, the son of the town baker who seems to have all the fighting skills of a lump of bread dough, will be pitted against bigger, stronger representatives who have trained for this their whole lives. Collins's characters are completely realistic and sympathetic as they form alliances and friendships in the face of overwhelming odds; the plot is tense, dramatic, and engrossing. This book will definitely resonate with the generation raised on reality shows like 'Survivor' and 'American Gladiator.'

I can't say enough how wonderfully written the story and the characters are. Definitely a must read series!!!

This is mine

2011-01-12T15:24:00.000-08:00

I haven't been blogging as frequently as I would like to. I've been a bit confused. Its so easy for me to forget exactly why I started blogging in the first place. Its so easy to stop writing for me, and begin to write for you. I worried about my posts being to depressing or about them being boring. I worried about whether you'd read them. Then I stopped and thought about the reason I started this. Its not for you, its not for anybody but me. I enjoy having readers and writing words that move other people, but ultimately, if I didn't, I'd still write.

This blog is a place for me to write without judgement, or criticism. This is my place to write whatever I feel like writing about.

I've changed the blog design again. I needed a fresh look. I suppose my therapist might say that I change it because its something that I can control, and I have a very big need to control everything around me. So much of my life is beyond my control, so I grab onto anything that I can and make it mine and controllable. That sounds awful doesn't it?? I've always been a bit of a control freak really. I don't like help, I'm independent, and my way is best. From the mundane things like folding the laundry, (my husband does it wrong), to big things like trying to make a baby. I've learned to give up the control is certain situations. I allow my husband to fold the laundry his way, because I learned that when I nag and gripe, he doesn't do it at all. I'd rather have it done, even if its wrong.

I'm learning too, that I really don't have control over alot in my life. I can do whatever it takes to make the best decisions and prepare myself, but I have no control. Thats a very hard lesson to learn.

.

A new year, a clean slate

2011-01-02T07:10:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year friends!!!

So much of 2010 was awful. The pain, heartache, sadness and loss that I suffered as well as so many good friends of mine suffered was unimaginable. Never before have I been so happy to ring in a new year. For me, 2011 is a clean slate. A fresh start. I begin Clomid this month. The first step in my Assisted Conception journey and the first step in battling unexplained infertility. I'm excited to begin this journey, excited to see where its going to lead me.

I think I handled the holidays fairly well. I'm glad that they are over though. Its been a tough year, but I'm looking forward to the future.

So my friends, here's to 2011 and all our dreams coming true, and here's to peace, love and lots of happiness.

Many Hugs.

xoxo

A lesson

2010-12-18T13:26:00.000-08:00

I read an amazing book last week. Its called, "The things we do for love." By Kristin Hannah.

Its about an infertile woman dealing with her grief from multiple miscarriages and the loss of her newborn daughter. She deals with the overwhelming need to be a mother, and her relationship with the people around her because of that feeling. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I related to her. I understood what that feeling was like. She became a woman on a mission and lost her husband because she couldn't enjoy her life the way it was. It wasn't until she dealt with her grief, opened her heart and mind to other possibilities, that she became a mother. Not to a newborn baby, but to a lonely lost teenager in need.

I have never been so moved by a story before. Never has a work of fiction led me to question my life the way that this book did. I saw myself in her. I say myself becoming her, and loosing my husband because of my feelings. It became a real possibility that I could end up like her. When did I become so focused on the future that I forgot about living now? I've cut myself off from family and friends because they have new babies or are pregnant. I distance myself from them. I don't call, or write. All because they have what I so desperately want. When did I become that self centered woman?? How could I not celebrate a life, and a miracle? I'm ashamed.

I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know whether a baby is in that future or not. We've just begun the journey, and I can't say whether or not I'll be able to accept not having a child. I do know though, that I need to focus more on what I have in my life, and less on what I don't. I need to make my husband a priority. He needs to know that he is enough for me. If we are blessed with a child, then our lives will be full of happiness and laughter, but if we are not, they will still be filled with happiness and laughter. This journey may take us places that I never expected. I need to open my mind, and my heart to that. The desire to be a mother will always be strong. Its not going away, and I will do everything in my power to make that dream come true for us. But if I can't make it come true, I can still be happy. A little bit empty, but still happy.

Stream of consciousness

2010-12-15T22:09:00.000-08:00

Another cycle complete. I'm still not pregnant. Its been four complete cycles since I miscarried. I like to say that I'm over it. I try and say I'm relaxed. I'm not. I'm anything but over it and relaxed. I would have been 23w pregnant this week. I wrote the count on the calendar all the way through the end of the year. I had to take that calendar down. The reminder was too painful. It doesn't stop me from remembering though.

I've started seeing my therapist again. I need help getting stronger. I finally recognized that I needed help when I saw a billboard with a question on it. It asked what was the last thing that made you laugh. I couldn't remember when I had laughed last and truly meant it. I'm not me. I'm a shell of the person that I was back in July. An empty, lifeless shell. I go through the motions, but I'm not really there.

I need to get stronger. I'm most likely starting fertility treatments in January, and I need to be well, and strong for the next journey. Its been 16 months of trying to get pregnant. I haven't had a healthy pregnancy. That means that technically, I'm dealing with infertility. This month will be a whirlwind of labs, ultrasounds, tests and appointments. So far I've had my cycle day 21 hormones checked, and tomorrow I have a complete pelvic ultrasound scheduled. Next comes cycle day 3 and 10 labs, a HSG and finally a follow up with my OBGYN. If all looks okay, the next plan will be to try clomid to make me super ovulate. After that, if that doesn't work. The fertility specialist will be my next option.

I'm scared. I'm scared of getting pregnant and I'm scared I never will. I'm scared about the tests and what the results will show. I'm just plain scared.

Tonight, I'm sad and angry. I'm scared, discouraged, and hormonal. I want to laugh, but I'm not sure I know how anymore. I want to be happy, but how can I be happy when I feel so empty?

Tonight I will cry myself to sleep, and tomorrow, I'll wake up, put a smile on my face and go through the motions of life. Its the best that I can do. I'm working on it though. I'm working on me.

Thanksgiving and being thankful

2010-11-24T18:19:00.000-08:00

This year I've had to work a little bit harder to be thankful for the blessings I've been given. I've had to dig a little deeper in my soul and reach past the sadness and grief. I got an email reminder today that congratulated me on reaching the halfway mark in my pregnancy. It was a blow to my heart. I thought that I had cancelled all of those email subscriptions. It brought me back to the pain and the heartache of the last three months. I let myself grieve again for just a few moments and I picked myself up and moved on. Its Thanksgiving after all, and I'm not going to be sad. I sat down and reflected on my life and thought about what I was thankful for this year. Here is that list.

I am thankful for my husband. He's an amazing man, and a wonderful husband. He loves me for me. That's all I can ask for. He's been my rock, and my shoulder to cry on.

I am thankful for my family. They keep me grounded, and moving forward. My parents show me what its like to be amazing parents and they keep me reaching for that dream of a family of my own.

I am thankful for my friends. All of them are amazing women and mothers and wives. They lift me up when I'm down, they show me what I can achieve with perseverance.

And Lastly, while I am not thankful that my pregnancy ended, I am thankful for the little life that I carried for 8 weeks. Those 8 weeks were the happiest weeks of my life so far, and that little life changed me in more ways then I can list. I became a mother that day, and for that I am thankful. Maybe that was my little angels purpose. Maybe she was sent to me to open my heart and soul, and make me a better person, a stronger person. I'll never know, but I am thankful.

So happy thanksgiving my dear friends. I wish you a blessed day, with much to be thankful for.

My Etsy

2010-11-19T20:57:00.000-08:00

Remember this post? This is the post where I talked briefly about my Etsy shop AngelsCreate. I've done some new designs lately and today I had a super cute model pose for some pictures.

Isn't she a doll!

Visit my Etsy Shop and between now and December 15th, 2010, mention coupon code BLOG10OFF and get 10% off your total purchase.

Angels Create is also on facebook. Please visit and 'Like' my page. Feel free to pass my page on to your friends and family who might enjoy it also!!!

Happy Shopping!!! xoxo

Ramblings

2010-11-18T19:38:00.000-08:00

I'm such a jumbled, muddled mess today. I'm weepy, emotional, and hormonal. I'm not pregnant. My thoughts are so tangled in my head, I can't think. I thought it would help to write them all out. I heard a great song today. It made me cry. Actually everything has made me cry today. Its a good thing my husband is working late. If he had been home he would have had me admitted to the loony farm. Sitting in front of my computer sobbing over a song, bawling while watching my wedding video, tearing up at nice comments that have been left by some wonderful friends. Its all gotten to me.

I'm at a point today where I'm just not sure how to find the strength to move forward. I feel so very defeated, and broken. I'm discouraged, disappointed, sad, pissed off at the world, and feeling cheated. I haven't been this low in awhile. I just don't know where I'll find the strength. I'm tired of being strong. Tired of holding everybody up, and I'm just plain tired.

I need a vacation. A retreat, a getaway. I have one planned, but its not until the end of January. 70 days from now, I'll hop on a jet plane and fly away. No husband, no demands. Just good food, gossip, girly time, shopping, and massages. Did I mention shopping?? Pure Bliss. A much needed girls weekend away. Too bad its not tomorrow.

I guess that's enough of my ramblings. The husband is on his way home and wants dinner.

Judgement

2010-11-16T13:50:00.001-08:00

Why is that people always judge? They judge your clothes, your car, your vacations, your decision to rent or own your home, your finances, what you buy, when you buy it and how you buy it. They judge personal decisions that are only between your husband and you. People will judge E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G! If they know it about you, they judge it.

Family it seems, is the worst culprit of this. I grew up, moved out, got married, so that people would stop being able to have influence over my life and my decisions. It seems that its only gotten worse since I did those things. I don't get it. I'm my own person. I'm not an axe murderer, a bank robber, or a serial killer. I don't kill small animals for fun, or lock children in closets. I'll be sure and let you know though if I pursue any of those things, so that you may have a real reason to judge. Until then, please stop judging my very mundane lfe. Let me live it how I see fit. Please and thank you.

Its that time of the year again!

2010-11-16T09:49:00.000-08:00

Yep, its Christmas Card time again.

I love sending cards, and my list has grown to over 50!!! This year I decided to forgo the usual paper cards that I normally send out, and check out Shutterfly.com to see about sending photo cards. I've never done photo cards before, so I was surprised to see such a huge selection. They have so many cute designs, its hard to pick, but......

I'm thinking about something like this one.

I think it might just be perfect for my first photo card experience!! I've already dragged the hubby, the puppy and the camera out for a little Christmas picture photo shoot. Let me just say that the puppy had way more enthusiasm. We did end up getting some nice shots, but I won't share what photos we ultimately decided to go with, because I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise!!!

Anyway, while browsing for the perfect holiday card, I realized that they also have photo wall calendars. Those would be perfect if you need a gift for the grandparents/aunts/uncles who have everything!

You should definitely check them out, and fellow bloggers, click here for information on how to get 50 free photo cards!!!

Real Friends

2010-11-13T15:52:00.000-08:00

The definition of friend:
friend (frnd)

n.
1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement

My definition of a friend has changed drastically over the last couple of years. I always thought that a "friend" was someone in your life that you had met in person, had lunch dates, gossip sessions, talked on the phone, and knew each others middle names. Boy was I wrong. I never realized or believed that a true friend could be someone you had never met, never knew where they worked or lived, Never talked on the phone or knew what their fave food was.

I have many close friends that I've never met. They live all over the world. We are on different continents, in different time zones, and we will probably never meet in person. Yet these ladies are my friends. They are woman I've met on chat forums, online support groups, facebook and blogs. We are from all walks of life. We are different ages, have different occupations, and in normal real life circumstances, our paths would have never crossed. Yet, somehow, we became connected without ever talking face to face. We are drawn to one another. We help, and support. We give advice, and encouragement. We celebrate life's joys and mourn life's tragedies. All without ever meeting.

Its amazing really, how as woman we can reach out to one another. We can become friends without really trying. Thank you my friends, for your support, and love.

Faith

2010-11-12T09:55:00.000-08:00

I usually don't talk about religion. Its not a subject that I will bring up. Like Ever. This might not be a religious post per say, maybe more about faith.

Anyway, I'm struggling lately with the why. Why things happen the way they do. Why God chooses what he chooses. I heard so many times after my miscarriage that God has a plan for me. This confuses me. Why would Gods plan be to shatter my heart in a bazillion tiny pieces? Why would he choose to give life then take it a way in the blink of an eye. Why? I've always believed in God. Believed in the message. I guess I consider myself to be a spiritual person, and not really a religious one. I pray. I believe prayer works. But right now I'm confused. Its not just my miscarriage that has tested my faith. Its the friends in recent months that have experienced loss as well. The friend who at 20ish weeks lost her baby. The friends who have tried and tried to conceive only for it to end in loss and heartache. The friends who fight with all they have to save their 9 year old son from an incurable brain disease, and have him die from a house fire. I don't get it. No one set that fire, it just happened.

I understand that God gives us choices. Those choices influence our lives. Does this mean that I am being punished for something that I did in the past? Why me? Why you? Why?

A new look again

2010-11-11T17:31:00.001-08:00

I realized that my 1st new blog look distorted the pictures I was trying to post. Choosing a new look was easier then trying to fix html. Hope you like!

Musings

2010-11-11T17:01:00.000-08:00

Wow, Happy November Friends!

I can't believe that fall is already here and the holidays are approaching. I love this time of the year. Crisp, cool mornings, falling leaves, sweaters and jackets. Its my most favorite time of the year.

October came and went in a blink of an eye. The leaves changed and fell, pumpkins were carved. candy was handed out to ghosts and goblins and little fairies. I feel like I missed the entire month. I was in a fog. And by the time that that fog lifted, it was Halloween and we were going out of town for the wedding of a very dear friend of mine. The wedding was very Hollywood glam meets Halloween.

(The bride and I )

We had a great time in Sacramento and actually talked about moving there. We both love it. Its one of our favorite cities! I always thought my husband never wanted to move. Turns out I was wrong. Maybe one day it'll be in the cards for us.

Now its November. Thanksgiving is exactly two weeks away. We don't have any big plans for Thanksgiving. It'll be just the two of us this year and we might go out. I've started looking forward to Christmas. The tree, decorating, baking, giving gifts, all of it! I love Christmas. So much so that my husband decided to propose on Christmas morning. It made the holiday extra sweet from then on. I'll tell that story one day. Its hilarious and romantic all at the same time.

So, I'm done with my rambling now. Happy Fall Friends, May your dreams come true!

New Endeavors

2010-10-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

After my miscarriage, I was frantically searching for a hobby. Something, Anything, that I could do to stay busy. I needed to be busy. I tried jigsaw puzzles, but my pup ate the pieces, and I am much too OCD to put a puzzle together knowing there are missing pieces. I baked and I cooked, but then I had to eat all that food, and really, food wasn't what I wanted. I tried reading, but that wasn't "busy" enough for me. So after much searching, I found a hobby.

I started knitting, and I am a "get it done now" kind of gal, so I started knitting hats for babies. Its easy, and its fast. Its been very therapeutic. In fact, I've enjoyed it so much that I've opened an Etsy shop. I named it Angels Create after my own little angel who has inspired the designs. I've listed them, and are working on new designs all the time. In fact, I'm getting ready to list some adorable Christmas hats and headbands. So check back frequently!!!

Time

2010-10-19T11:52:00.000-07:00

They say that time heals. I didn't believe that a month ago. At the time, I felt like I was going to be in pain forever. I felt like the world would never feel normal again, and I felt like I would always be searching for answers. I was wrong. Time does heal. I'll never forget, but there are more moments of happiness then sadness, the world feels normal again, and I've stopped searching. Its time now, to stop looking behind me, and to focus on whats ahead. Its time to start living now, instead of dwelling on what could have been. No amount of asking, or pleading or begging God is going to change anything that has happened. Its time to accept my path, and walk with my head held high. To look forward to the future, look forward to life. I will always remember, I'll never "get over it", It will be a part of me for the rest of my life. But its time to move on. I may still cry, I may still be angry at times, but that's part of healing. Today I am deciding that I cannot live with what could have been, or should have been, I have to live with what is. Today I am choosing happiness over heartbreak. Today is a new day.

RIP little angel, Momma loves you, but its time to move on.

The world stands together

2010-10-15T08:20:00.000-07:00

It's October 15th--the National day of Miscarriage and Infant Loss. Today the world stands together to remember all the tiny lives that are lost two soon. Today at 7pm all around the world, people will light a candle to remember, and to honor. With my miscarriage so fresh in my mind, today is a heartbreaking day. I think about it every. single. day. I think about the plans, the maternity bra that bought, just because I could. Baby names, the furniture, the bedding, and the dreams. Plans for the future. Who the baby would look like. My excitement. My anxiety. I think about it all. People tell me its time to get over it. I will never get over it. In fact, a sure fire way to piss me off is to say that. You get over it. My grief will only affect your life, if you let it. I'm happy to grieve alone, and with those that wish to grieve with me. I won't force you. I think about the way we told our families, how the thought of food made my stomach turn, and I think about the day we realized the baby was gone. I will never forget. I can't forget. I am a different person today because of that.

So today, I stand with you. To honor those tiny, precious lives that never got to enter the world, but who entered our hearts. I stand with you to remember. Light a candle with me today. Don't let these lives be forgotten. Stand with me.

A new look and updates

2010-10-07T12:34:00.000-07:00

I decided today that I needed a change in scenery and a whole new look for my blog! I hope you like it As for me, I'm doing okay. I'm staying busy, adjusting to a new normal life and trying to live each day fully. I think about my pregnancy everyday. I don't imagine it will be something I'll forget anytime soon. I hope the day comes when I'll be able to let go of the bitterness and anger, but for now I'm just dealing with it.

My husband and I are looking forward to getting out of town overnight at the end of the month for a wedding of a very dear friend of mine. It'll be nice to get away and celebrate something happy. I'm also planning a girls weekend with another close friend to Vegas in January. I need a vacation and a girls weekend is just what the doctor ordered.

All in all, life moves on and I'm doing my best to keep up. Happy Thursday friends.

4 weeks ago.

2010-09-27T17:07:00.000-07:00

This past month has gone by so fast. Its been a whirlwind month of crazy emotions. Its been a month of healing, soul searching, and reflecting, both on myself but on life as well. I am a completely different person today then I was last month. Its hard to describe. I look at life differently. I guess that's only normal after a loss. I like to talk about my pregnancy and my miscarriage and the way I'm feeling. It makes me feel like the baby that I lost isn't being forgotten. There's been family that didn't say one word about my miscarriage. Not I'm sorry, or how are you doing. Nothing. Its like I was never pregnant or lost the baby. That hurts. I get that people don't know what to say. Before this happened I didn't know what to say. But a simple, I'm here if you need anything, is better then saying nothing at all. My biggest fear is that my baby will be forgotten. This was a life, and that life ended. I want that acknowledged.

Physically I am doing well. My clockwork, short cycles seem to have returned very quickly after my miscarriage. I ovulated 17-19 days after I started bleeding and my normal is 11-15, so I'm only off by a couple days. I'm relieved that things are getting back to normal. I was worried that it would be a long drawn out process.

Mentally I'm doing okay too. I have my rough days, and my moments of weakness, but overall life has returned to normal. The first week I didn't do anything but cry and lay around feeling sorry for myself. I've slowly started doing the normal things again like housework and grocery shopping. Life always goes on.

We will be trying to get pregnant again right away. I'm hoping that it doesn't take 10 and 1/2 months this time. I've heard that its easier the second time around, so maybe I'll get lucky. I'll be trying naturally for 3-4 cycles and if I don't get pregnant I'll be going back to the doctor to see if they will help. We've been trying for a year now, and while I did get pregnant, it didn't stick. So hopefully they will have some answers or a plan or something. Anything.

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts and good wishes. Its whats kept me holding it together this past month.

Sigh

2010-09-10T18:48:00.000-07:00

I didn't want my blog to ever become depressing, but I vowed that I would write about what I wanted to and about whatever was on my mind, so that's what I'm doing. The thing that is on my mind most frequently these days is depressing and sad, so I guess that's what my blog is about for now. I need to write, I need to express myself, and get these feelings out, because they are consuming me. My miscarriage is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I don't know how to let it go. I don't know how to move on. I want so badly to feel happiness again. I have moments where I'm happy and smiling and laughing. But the moments of sadness are greater. I try and force myself to stay busy. I've tried jigsaw puzzles, Internet forums, online shopping, reading, even cleaning. It works for a while, but as soon as I stop my mind drifts back to sadness. If I watch TV, there is a baby commercial or pregnant woman on the TV show. I often sit in silence. Its easier that way.

I'm on Zoloft for anxiety. Its a low dose. Its working. I'm not really anxious. Just depressed. I guess my dose is too small. I have a followup appointment with my PCP and I'll let her know whats going on. It may be time to up the dose. At least I can recognize that I'm depressed. That's a step forward at least. A tiny step forward, but its better then a step back I suppose.

Its been 6 weeks since I peed on a stick and saw two pink lines. The best and the worst six weeks of my life. I can't believe it all ended so quickly. In the blink of an eye my world crashed down. People say that it will get easier. They say that I will have peace again and let go of the bitterness that's in my heart. They say that I will never forget, but that I will move on. I know that they are right. Time eases. Time erases. I don't want to erase my baby though. I want to remember. Some of my family have said that there will be another baby, but what they don't realize is that right this second, I want that baby. It wasn't just a miscarriage to me. It was the death of my baby. It was plans, and names, and dreams, and hopes, and love, and life. It was my baby. It doesn't make a difference that I was only 8weeks pregnant or that the baby only developed until 5weeks. It was life. It was my baby. I became a mother the day that I conceived and I lost that life. Its the hardest thing I've ever dealt with.

To try to come to terms with this loss, I put together a box of things that I had bought and cards that I received from friends and family. In it I put my positive pregnancy tests, the pregnancy journal I started, congratulation messages from friends and also the condolence cards and messages I got when I miscarried. I put these things in the box and I cried. I realized that even though my baby only lived for 8 weeks, she was loved. I call her a she because I believed from the beginning that my baby was a girl. I dreamt about her, and my friends dreamt about her. She was loved and she will be remembered.

Loss

2010-09-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write. My thoughts and feelings are so muddled and jumbled and I don't know how to sort them out. You see, I found out I was pregnant on July 29th. I was 3w4d pregnant based on my ovulation day. That day was magical. I took a test just to convince myself that I wasn't pregnant and ended up staring at 2 pink lines for the very first time. I cried, I screamed, I danced around the house waving that pee stick like a crazy lady. Then I sent a text to one of my closest friends, and called another close friend to come over. It was a happy time, a time of celebrating. I told everyone that I knew right away. I told my facebook friends, my online sisters, my parents, everyone. I couldn't hide the joy that my husband and I felt. We were in awe, and we started making plans, choosing names and furniture. All the things that first time expectant parents do, we did. It was the best weeks of our lives.

I was pregnant for 7w5d before my world came crashing down around me. On August 27th, at 7:30pm, I noticed I had some spotting. I didn't immediately freak out. My husband and I settled in to watch a movie, and I chugged water and kept my feet up. I was worried, but I didn't tell my husband yet. Throughout the evening I kept getting up to go to the bathroom and check on the spotting. It was very light, but still there. At 10pm I finally told my husband, and we headed to the ER. I figured that I would get some reassurance that all was okay and get an early ultrasound and be able to see my baby.

I did get an early ultrasound but there was no baby. Just the gestational sac. At almost 8weeks pregnant, there should have been an embryo and a heartbeat. The doctor tested my hcg and the numbers came back at 3889. Too low for 8 weeks, but just right for 5weeks. I was devastated. The doctor tired to tell me that my dates were off, and I was only 5weeks pregnant. I knew he was wrong. Family tried to reassure me, my husband tried to stay positive, but I knew deep in my gut that this pregnancy wasn't going to end well.

I spent the weekend worried and anxious. Dreading each trip to the bathroom in case I had started bleeding heavier. I went in for more blood work on Monday morning, then a followup with my obgyn. My hcg had declined over the weekend, and was now at 2400. I was expecting that. I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum. The baby never developed past 5weeks. I was given misoprostol to help my body miscarry.

I was devastated. Utterly heartbroken. I spent the rest of the week having contractions to pass the tissue of my dead baby. As a first time expectant mom, you never expect to have contractions until your body is ready to deliver a healthy baby. I was gutted. I miscarried at 8w1d.

Its been a little over a week since then. I am so lost and empty. I feel like my days have no purpose. The thought of trying again is so overwhelming, but feel the need to jump back in. It took over 10months to get pregnant the first time, so I don't feel like I have much time to waste. My latest hcg was 10. Still technically pregnant. I have to have a repeat next week to make sure its finally at 0. Life doesn't seem fair to me most days, and I don't know how to handle that. I'm just trying to get through one day at a time.

Weekend in Vegas

2010-07-02T11:30:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago we too a weekend trip to Las Vegas for my moms wedding. We did a bit of sightseeing, and took an elevator up to the top of the Eiffel Tower. The skyline was breathtaking!!

We also went to see the Blue Man Group at the Venetian Hotel. The show was amazing!! If you ever have a chance to see them live, it's worth it!

The Venetian Hotel is one of my favorites on the strip. The smell of that hotel is amazing!! I want whatever they pipe through the vents for my home!!

The weekend was great, and I can't wait to go back!!! It was really great to spend some time with my little sister, her boyfriend, my god sister and nephew and my godparents.

Left to Right

(Me, my nephew Tryntun, my god sister Dani, my sisters boyfriend Ronnie, and my sister Sarah)

Full Disclosure

2010-06-30T23:19:00.000-07:00

I've been contemplating this blog post for quite a while now, and finally decided that I ~~had to~~ needed to write something. I've thought back on why I began blogging and what I was hoping to gain from it, and finally decided that it was time to come back with full disclosure. No hiding, no running away. I need to come clean with what I'm going through and the challenges that I am facing. I mean, come on, my life isn't all sunshine and roses, and I have to be able to share my real life here without expecting judgement. That's why I started the blog. I wanted somewhere where I could be real and raw and not face criticism. So this is a step in the right direction, a step toward healing, and I am proud to be taking it.

In the four months that I've been MIA, I've been facing challenges that I have been too ashamed to admit to more then a handful of people. I've been battling anxiety and depression and its only been eight weeks ago that I finally sought help. I thought that I was strong enough to climb the mountain on my own, but I fell, and I fell hard. One desperate morning, when I wasn't sure if my marriage was going to last another day, I made the most important call I've ever made. I called a therapist. I was scared. I cried when I made that call, and I was desperate for help. She has been a god send and I have made progress toward a healthier me. I have a long way to go, but I am taking steps in the right direction. I believe that the anxiety and depression was made worse by the fact that my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 10 months, and its not happening. I'm seemingly healthy and my husband has had tests run and he checks out just fine too. Its just not our time yet, and most days I deal with that fact okay, but other days I sink to a point where I want to give up on my dream of being a mother. My therapist and I have decided that the therapy alone is not enough to get me back to normal, so I have a doctors appointment on July 12 to discuss beginning medications as well. I've withdrawn from friends and family in an attempt to hide what is happening with me. I have been ashamed, but I am finally ready to stand up and admit these things. I still fear being judged, but I also know that your judgements are not a reflection of me.

Very Soon

2010-03-31T12:48:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry that I haven't blogged in awhile. I'm at a down point in my life right now, and don't have anything particulary happy to say, nor do I want to blog about my feelings right now. I will be back though, very soon. I Promise. Thanks for sticking around!

8 long years ago.

2010-03-05T10:16:00.000-08:00

March 5th, 2002 at 10:10pm my life changed. My grandmother lost her battle with emphysema. She was one of the most important people in my life, and I had her for longer then I ever thought I would. She fought every. single. day. She fought to breathe, to walk, to talk, and to laugh. I cannot believe that eight years have passed. The first year without her was hard. I used to call in sick to work and go and sit by her grave and talk to her. That's the only thing I wanted to do. I fought a depression that went deeper then I ever imagined it could. I was angry. I was sad. I didn't know why I had to be the one to sit by her bedside that day and tell her it was okay to let go. I felt guilty. I told her that we would be okay without her, and clearly I was not okay. I needed her. I needed her unconditional love, her wisdom and her guidance, but she wasn't there. I wasn't angry at her. I knew that she was suffering in the end, and that she had to stop fighting. I was angry at myself for not being okay. I felt like the very last thing I told her was a lie. I was angry at my family. My mom traveled 12 hours to reach her and I wasn't called until she arrived in town. I could have had those extra hours with her. My grandma and I had a special bond. She was sick for as long as I can remember. I stayed with her when my grandpa traveled. I was the one the family called when she stopped eating, or refused to go the hospital. I could always convince her to go or eat. I suppose that's why I was the one that had to tell her it was okay to leave this world. I sat and held her hand for ten hours, I told her that we loved her. I told her about the family and what we were doing. I told her that we would be okay. And at 10:08pm I got up to go the bathroom. She died two minutes later. I wasn't there to hold her hand. Nobody was. We were exhausted. I got up for two minutes, and she was gone. I will regret that decision forever. I wish I had stayed. Logically she probably choose that time to let go for that reason. But my heart doesn't know that.

It's been eight years. I'm stronger. Less angry, less sad. My wedding day was hard. I wanted grandma there. She was there in spirit though, and a special ring she gave me was part of my bouquet. This year is tough. I'm remembering that day. I'm sad, and I miss her with every ounce of my being. I wish that I could have just one more conversation with her. Oh, how I long to talk to her.

I used to dream about her. I'd wake up feeling a bit sad that it was all a dream. The dreams stopped a few years ago, and now there are nights that I wish I would dream about her just so that I could see her again. I've always thought that she came to me in my dreams because she knew I needed her. She must know that I am doing okay now. There are moments and days where I'm sad again, and I'm back in that dark place. But for the most part I'm okay. I think that she would be proud of the woman I've become. I hope she would. I hope she knows just how much I loved her, and how I am so very thankful that she was my grandmother.

I love you grandma! I know your watching down on me.

I am thankful today.......

2010-02-23T08:55:00.000-08:00

for a very lovely lady helping me with the technical side of my blog!

for my husband who calls every weekday morning at 9:00am so we can connect for the day.

for the beautiful weather we had last week. It's now raining again.

for my mom who is making lasagna for me this weekend. There's nothing better then moms homecooking!

What are you thankful for today???

Strength and determination.

2010-02-22T20:54:00.000-08:00

I did something very tough today. It made me think, made me analyze, and made my heart hurt. I helped a man, who isn't old by anyones standards, record good-bye messages to his family. You see, he is fighting a battle, a battle that according to doctors he is losing. I am his caregiver and his friend. I am helping this man fight his battle and prepare for the worst all at the same time. This man is courageous, and very, very brave. He is fighting with every ounce of strength and determination that he possesses. He lives, laughes and loves everyday no. matter. what. Nineteen months ago he was given 12 months to live, and 4 weeks ago he was given 2 weeks to live. He has the will to survive, and he's not giving up. This man inspires me everyday, and I can only hope that if I was given the same diagnosis tomorrow I would fight with as much determination as he does. He is scared of losing his battle but he does not show weakness. He is a source of strength for his wife, and his children. He is their rock. In the midst of the hardest fight he's ever had to face, he is holding his family together. That shocks me. He sat today and said his goodbyes to a video camera for his family to see after he passes, and he held it together. He made jokes, and smiled. He laughed. I came home and cried. I cried for his family. For his wife and kids. I thought about what I would say to my husband and my family if I was dying. I am positive that if I had been on the other side of the camera I wouldn't have been so strong. I've learned alot from him though. I will try harder everyday to not take anything for granted. But most of all I will remember to live, laugh, and love every single day.

Not Me! Monday!

2010-02-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my very first Not Me! Monday! post.

I totally did *not* stay in my pj's all day long on Sunday. Nope not me! I did *not* even get up and shower.

I did *not* ignore the puppy's potty signal thinking he only wanted to go out and play. I did *not* end up having to then clean the spot after he had an accident. I wouldn't be that cruel.

I did *not* go buy an insane amount of junk food to be consumed yesterday. We eat healthy around here!!

I did *not* try and make my husband feel bad about taking a vacation day at work for no good reason when I have to work that day. He has *not* been totally busting is butt and working 80 hour weeks. He does *not* deserve any time off.....(actually, he really does!!! )

While out grocery shopping I did *not* come across girl scout cookies and buy 5 boxes. Girl scout cookies are *not* my weakness. (Awww, they are the best!!)

The smoke detector battery did *not* decide that 3am was a good time to go dead. I was *not* rudely awakened by a loud chirping coming from said smoke detector. I did *not* try and wake my husband, only to have him turn over and go back to sleep. I then did *not* remove the battery from another smoke detector (in an empty, unoccupied room) and replace the battery from the chirping detector in our room, all at 3am while my husband slept oblivious to it all.

So that's what I have *not* been doing this past week. What have you *not* been doing???

(P.S. To join the fun, head over to MckMama's blog for some more Not Me! Mondays!)

Tommy.

2010-02-20T15:48:00.000-08:00

Meet Tommy. He's hyper, and loveable. He gives insane amounts of kisses. He snuggles. He loves to chew, and play fetch and romp in the grass. He barks at the kittys, but all he wants to do is play. He sleeps on his back, and first thing in the morning is his most favorite time of day. Loud noises scare him, and he likes to be held and cuddled. He loves to go for walks, but gets tired easily and then wants to be carried. He's loyal, and doesn't like to be left alone. He loves everybody, needs obedience training, and makes me happy.

I am thankful today.......

2010-02-19T13:13:00.000-08:00

for the shining sun. It's so nice to have blue sky, white puffy clouds and shining sun.

for the way my puppy enjoys his walk. He's such a delight to watch as he zig zags back and forth, cause you know, he'd totally miss something if he walked in a straight line.

for Sunday afternoon plans with my husband. Our plans include naps on the couch, a movie or two, and lots of X Files on dvd. I am loving that show.

for hearing the birds chirp on our early morning walk. What a "spring" time sound in the middle of february.

What are you thankful for today???

Expectations

2010-02-18T21:43:00.000-08:00

I've been wrestling with expectations lately. I've always had expectations for everything. That is normal I suppose. Most people have them. These expectations are painful though, and my heart hurts a little when I think about them. The expectations that I am talking about have to do with being pregnant. You see, my husband and I have been trying to concieve for 5 1/2 months. I know that that doesn't sound like very long at all. I realize that many people have been trying for ALOT longer, and I feel for them. For when you decide to start trying for a baby, the want is the same no matter how long you've been trying. I was naive when it came to this process, and I thought for sure that I would fall pregnant right away. I thought about how awesome it would be to be pregnant during the holidays surrounded by my family. When I didn't get pregnant in September, I dreamt about getting the family together for Thanksgiving and telling everyone that we were expecting. Then December rolled around, and I spent countless hours planning baby themed gifts for family members and memorable ways to announce the news. It's now February. I'm still not pregnant. I've had expectations every month since we began trying, and my heart breaks every time one of them is dashed. I am trying to give up those expectations, and live in the moment. I'm trying to cherish these months, for when I finally concieve I will never again be trying for my first baby. This is hard for me to do. You see, I am a planner. I am a dreamer, and an organizer. But to live life to the fullest, I must stop living for the future, and live right now. Right now I am trying to have a baby. This in itself is a wonderful milestone and memory, and I don't want to wish it away.

Eeek. A new journey begins.

2010-02-18T17:27:00.000-08:00

Welcome.

I'm new at this. I've never had a blog before. I have been tossing the idea around for a while, and finally decided to take the plunge. I needed an outlet, and a way to chronicle my life. This rollercoaster that we are all a part of, has my head spinning and my heart pounding, and I feel like I am missing the most important parts. I don't want to sit on the sidelines, and watch my life go by. I want to be in the thick of things. Forever Living, Laughing and Loving. I want to take the time to savour everything. The sun on my face, the way a bite of my favorite ice cream tastes, my puppy enjoying his walk. I want to live my life. No more rushing through days without stopping to smell the roses. This is life, my life, and I will enjoy it. I want to share it with people, friends and family. I will never get these years back, this point in time will be gone tomorrow, but I won't forget. My life will be shared here, with you. I want to know you, and I want you to know me.

I am Steph, a 27 year old wife to, hands down, the most amazing man. He loves me, flaws and all. I love deeply and without judgement. I am so, not the laid back kind. I love to cook, and think that I am pretty good at it. My home is my sanctuary, and I will welcome you with open arms. I will devour any book you give me, but prefer crime scene/thriller types. I LOVE chocolate, and flowers, and gardening. I am not a social butterfly. I prefer intimate gatherings over big parties, but love to entertain my close friends and family.

This me, real, and un-scripted. Thanks for embarking on this journey with me. I am not doing this for anyone but myself. My writing will be mine. It might not be what you would say or do, but it's me. Take me or leave me, but don't expect me to change.